Why?

It's the international question for curiosity. Like, why do bad things happen to good people? Why does everything happen? Why do hearts break? Why do people use one another? Why do people have reasons to want to hurt someone else? Why can't people be honest with one another? I honestly don't know the answers to any of these questions, but I wish I did. It would make living life so much easier.

Lately, I've been too angry to realize that I've started to become someone I'd hated for the longest time. I told myself that I'd stop cutting myself, and I have. That doesn't include bleeding in other ways though. Sunday, I was broken up with and I was angry because I felt as if I'd done something wrong to end the relationship; as if, I didn't do something to prevent it. Truthfully, it happened for a reason. In any case, after it was over for sure, I made my way back home to Orange County and played volleyball for a good four hours. It was perhaps the best workout I've had since playing at school. First, I played with the more advanced people because I like a challenge. Every ball was another reason for me to give it my all. Later, I played with the members from the youth group. Nothing changed there. They're much less experienced so that means I'd have to step up my game as well. Being a setter means I've got to touch every ball that goes into play. With every point on the line, I'd sacrifice my body so that we could get a play going. Whether it'd be diving across the entire court or just trying to get the ball back into play, I'd do it and it wouldn't hurt at all. It wasn't until I came home that I realized I was bleeding. I tend to play my best when I'm angry or upset, and I guess I just get a huge release from bleeding or feeling some sort of physical pain. That's probably why I'm such a masochist.

Pain is no stranger to me. She's always been by my side ever since I was a little girl. I was bitten by my old family dog when I was three. My sister threw a cynderblock on my arm when I was five. My cousin gave me a black eye when I was six. I was hit growing up for not obeying my parents right away. I was bullied and teased growing up from grade school all the way until college. I was told that I was a mistake and that I didn't matter to anyone by my parents as I was growing up. So, any type of pain is nothing new to me. I've just learned that physical pain hurt less than emotional pain. I've learned to endure it and not allow it to get to me anymore.

I've also learned that being angry at the world isn't worth it. The longer you're angry, the less time you have to be happy. We're only given so much time on Earth before leaving it.

I don't want to have hard feelings with you, but if it comes to it, nothing will be held back. I can't sit here and pretend that everything around me or that I am okay, because I'm honestly not. I'm trying to let go of what happened and it's really beginning to take a toll on me. It's taking all of my strength just to hold back what I want to say and to forget that so much ended in the matter of a minute. Of course it hurts me not to speak to you. I want to, believe me, I really do, but it'll just make it that much more difficult to get over you. I don't regret anything that I've said to you, because I know that some day you'll realize that I was right and you'll be hitting yourself wondering why it never worked the way you'd planned. I'd just hoped that my presence being excluded from your life would make you realize that I was just more than another person in your life, that I meant something more than just a regular friend. I don't hate you for what happened, but I can't say that things won't be completely different from here on out. I want to be friends with you, I honestly do, but I don't think that's possible anytime soon. I can be civil with you and exchange the occasional "hello" and "goodbye," but our conversations won't be as deep as I'd like them to be. It just hurts me that you find it so much easier to be honest behind a technological device rather than to my face.

I feel..

..empty. I just don't know what to do anymore. Like, I'm beginning to become so angry at the world when the problem is actually me. I know I'm being pathetic, but I'm not looking for attention. I'm just looking for some place to spill my feelings. I don't care if people read this or say anything to me about it. Go ahead and criticize me. I don't really care anymore. I know I've said this before, but it never truly went into effect. This time, everything is going to change. I refuse to be someone's play thing. I refuse to become a project or someone to be messed with, trampled on whenever the hell the time comes. I'm not just another piece of meat out there. I'm a human being dammit.

I've been nothing but a great friend to many. Yet, that seems to be taken for granted. Well now, that is no more. I refuse to be friends anymore. You're not worth it and your friendship isn't worth it. I've stood by you every step of the way for these past three years, and you've done nothing but ridicule me, criticize me, and make a joke out of me. I refuse to take any of your bull shit any longer. You were never a real friend to me, and I was nothing but a project to you. I never meant anything to you. You can say all you want and pretend that you were the best thing that happened to me, but I'm honestly glad that you're not here anymore. You've just created unnecessary thoughts in my head that I shouldn't have been thinking about in the first place. One thing I've learned from my experience with you though: never let one person get too close to you, but he/she will only screw you over in the end.

People can say I'm being dramatic, but you know what? What person isn't? People are always going to talk shit about someone else. I'm not going to say that I don't do it from time to time because I do. I'm not surprised to hear rumors spread about me either. People can say all they want about me. I don't plan on changing who I am anymore. I shouldn't have to change for someone. My REAL friends will still be by my side.

Why me? Why now?

Why can't I help but feel so insignificant? Like I'm just another person who's too pathetic to have any real friends, or life for that matter? Am I someone who has become so dependent on other people that I can't find my way in life? I feel as if anything I do will only disappoint me even further. My last entry ended in a break up; the opposite of what I was going for. I was going for honesty, truth, compassion. I guess that was just reality's way of waking me up. LG [Life's Good] has become LNG [Life's Not Good] for me, as of late. Everything has been going downhill and I know there may be something for me to do about it, but every time I try I just find someone else wrong with it. It's as if all I ever do will never be good enough for the world, or for me. People say I shouldn't depend on other people to be happy, or that I shouldn't have to prove myself to anyone. If not anyone, then why me? What's the point in proving something to myself? I'll only find something else wrong with it. It's like I'll never be good enough for anyone, ever.

I miss you, and that's all there is to it. I can't help it, but I do hope something changes soon. If it doesn't, it'll be fine. Pain is something I'm really good friends with and she'll help me through this. You'll see.

Lonely

Today, I came to the realization of my purpose in my current relationship. I feel as if I'm just a placeholder or a rebound girl for someone who couldn't happen at the time. I've been in this particular relationship for a good four months now. Don't get me wrong, it's been great and I've learned a lot from it. I can't help but feel as if this is going nowhere now. Like, it's been made clear that we won't be together forever. So I wonder.. What's the point in prolonging the inevitable? Why hold on to something that won't be there in the future? Why dig my hole even deeper to hurt myself more later? Am I setting myself up for what may be the greatest devastation I'll ever feel? I don't know anymore. Some say I'm committed. The same also say I'm too clingy. What do I say? I say I don't want to be lonely and that I honestly believe this can work. What I don't believe is that this can work on false pretenses. I feel as if I'm being kept in the dark from something greater than me. Like, someone out there is going to make him much happier than I ever could even imagine. I can't be like those other girls, so why I am still here? Am I just another person to add on to the relationship list? Am I just someone he can't seem to let go of simply due to the fact that he doesn't want to hurt me?

"To love someone is to understand each other, to laugh together, to smile with your heart and to trust one another. One important thing is to let each other go if you can't do this."

I found this on a myspace image not too long ago, and it really hit me. Now that I read it again, I can't help but think of how true its meaning comes into effect. Should I let go before I become more attached and hurt? Or should I keep going on the slightest chance that he'll change his mind and realize that I'm the one for him? My mind keeps telling me to let go, but my heart refuses to give up. I know that sounds corny and naive, but it's how I feel. I can't help but feel both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time about my present predicament.

We've had our ups and downs like most couples, but what makes us so different? I don't know. So, why am I still so hesitant about ending this? Maybe it's because I'm so blinded by getting attention from someone that I fail to realize that he probably doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. Maybe it's my own fault that I'm hurting so much on the inside, that it pains me so much to see him communicating with a past lover. I honestly don't know if I have what it takes to hold on to this anymore. I thought I could handle it, but it's beginning to take its toll on me. I can't put on this mask anymore; the mask that shows the world that I'm really okay. I can't keep living in the dark.

He deserves to be with someone who's like him: dynamic, interested in various genres of music, an anime fanatic. I can't be that person, but I know someone else who can be.. He deserves to be with a girl who can make him happy. Not a girl like me, but more of a girl like 'her.' I can't be 'her' and I will never try to be 'her.'

"It's not up to me anymore. If you want me in your life, you'll find some way to put me there."

I stand by this 100%. I refuse to let this be one-sided any longer. I'm holding back until I can no longer hold back. We can’t go back to being regular friends anymore. Not after all that’s happened these past few months..

You're Leaving..

One of my most important goals for the year of 2007, would be to spend as much time with my best friend as much as possible. He is a person who is truly one-of-a-kind. He is like no other best friend that I have ever had. He has been there for me through thick and thin, even if we do act as if we hate each other all of the time. We have that type of relationship where we can tell each other everything because although we are of opposite genders, we still understand one another. I help him with his problems concerning females and he helps me with so much more. Even when I am feeling at my lowest, he still gives me the brutally honest truth, which I look for most in a person. He cares for me and I care for him. We may hate each other most of the time, but it is all out of love.

This January, he is leaving for Berkeley. He is an extremely and incredibly smart and talented person. He is not only smart academically, but also emotionally and street-wise. He may not be the best person to seek advice fm when it comes to fighting someone or talking trash on them but he is an expert in giving advice about life and its multiple levels of difficulty. Although he appears to be clueless most of the time, he is still the smartest kid I know. He has never given up on any of his dreams or his friends. Family and God are his number one priorities above all else. No matter the distance, he will always find time to insert someone into his life and at least make some sort of impact on him or her. As for me, I have gotten over my feelings for him so that our feelings of strictly friendship may develop. He is one of the very few people I run to whenever I am faced with a problem concerning school, love, or family. Through thick and thin, he has been there for me. I hope he will continue to remain there.

One of my concerns as he goes up to Berkeley is that he may have the possibility of forgetting the roots of where he came from and the people who have impacted his life. Before he came into my life, my life was a living hell. My best friend had taught me to control most of my anger and taught me to store it away into a place as to where I can forget about it and move on in my future without having to worry about the past. He’s taught me to learn to move on when things aren’t going my way, but rather the way others have molded the process in order for me to follow. I remember when I was completely upset one day and all I wanted was for someone who could help me to vent my anger and problems. I remember going to the park with him and Vy and playing badminton to release some of the anger. He taught me the true values of friendship and what a true friend is supposed to be. Throughout my life, I have been constantly back-stabbed by the people who I thought of as my best friends, but with Thomas, this is much more different.

Thomas is one of those types of people with a hint of sweetness and caring natures locked up inside them just waiting to barge out of that hidden closet. A time that reminds me of him caring for me would be our occasional heart-to-heart talks. We have had many of those in the weirdest places. One of the weirdest would be while sitting in the trees at our church. Another would be sleepless nights online and the day we drove up to El Monte just to visit some friends. We have had multiple heart-to-heart talks that have taken place in cars. Those are probably the most meaningful ones because we can talk about anything without worrying about someone eavesdropping on our secrets shared with one another.

Although Thomas and I fight most of the time about insignificant little things, people surrounding us can still be able to tell that we have some type of relationship. My relationship with Thomas has never been this intimate with compared to anyone else. We strive to be different in the crowd and making ourselves a unique set of people. Each accomplishment in our lives is worthy of being proud of because we both know that we have done it together in one way or another. Without one another, the other would probably go insane.

Before Thomas leaves to Berkeley, it has become my goal to present him with some type of present before he leaves. He is one of the few people that I will miss greatly when he leaves. Eventually, everyone will leave, but to go to a college that isn’t even close to the home city is most definitely worth missing and crying over. This will not be the first or last time that I have cried for my dear best friend, either. Once he leaves, my only means of a connection, entertainment, and advice-seeking would be through the internet and the phone. There will no longer be random days where we go to the mall or when we go and watch a movie every week after church. They days I will miss most would be those days where he would come over and play DOTA with Tan and the day we watched music videos online with Vu and Trina. I will most definitely miss him going to the few volleyball games that I invited him to, even if he did fall asleep in the bleachers during the first one. I‘ll miss the day he came with Vy, Ricky, and Aubrey and took us joyriding to Modjeska Park without a licensed driver; not to mention the reckless driving in the parking lot, but it was a great day.

No matter what happens in life, I will never forget this young man because he is a person who matter to me a lot. In the short time I have had the pleasure of knowing him, he has become not only my best friend, but also my guardian angel. It is as if God himself sent Thomas directly to me to teach me valuable lessons in my life. Each lesson from Thomas is like another lesson that I can just apply into my daily lifestyle. He has taught me to do and be so much that once he is gone again, I will probably go slightly insane once more.

I vow to you, Thomas Cuong Hoang Le, that I will never forget you no matter what happens in our lives. I promise that if we are not as close in the future as we are now, that I will still attend all of your major events in your life. I will attend your college graduation, whatever it takes, and I will make it to your wedding as well. Our lives may change in the upcoming year but with the type of impact you have made on me and my life, it would be very difficult to forget a person like you, especially the way you walk with your little duck feet and your squeaky, yet monotone voice. I will miss you Thomas, more than you can even imagine. I love you my dearest best friend and I pray that we will always be close friends with whatever we end up with in life.

Dianna Do Hoang Nguyen.
November 8, 2007.

edit: december 15, 2007.

Although there have been times where I have hidden things from you, you've still found it in your heart to forgive me; just as I've been able to forgive you. So why, for the mistake of lying to you about a text message, do you become hurt and distraught? I only wish that you can find it in your heart to forgive me once more. I'm sorry..